If you're living in the American theocracy under the reign of King George the W, learning American StupidSpeak (ASS) is an unfortunate necessity. But the process is quite easy and requires no thought, just an empty mind. With that in mind, let's begin.

"Natural marriage"? Prior to ASS, "natural marriage" would have been a flashing neon oxymoron. Sex is natural. "Marriage" is a word denoting a highly contrived civil contract the historical purpose of which was to convey property and legacy, as well as to secure financial perks and legal rights. For most of the history of the institution called "marriage," the unions were arranged, the wife (wives and/or concubines approved in Gen: 4:19, 29:17-28, II Samuel 3:2-5, 5:13 and I Kings 11:3) were little more than property and love, although sometimes involved, was certainly not necessary.

"Defenders of the family"? In this usage, ASS demonstrates how it transmogrifies the real-world quality of other forms of communication, such as Polynesian languages that have no words for "ice" and Eskimo languages that have no words for "palm trees." ...

Dictionary Definitions Distorted
During the Bush Era »
Tom Dispatch / AlterNet
A lising of the world of pretzeled language coming from the administration - including thoughtful additions by Tom Engelhardt, Chalmers and Sheila Johnson, Rebecca Solnit, Arlie and Adam Hochschild, and others.
scroll down for definitions

The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

None of these is read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.

Pro-war parents guide: How to get your kid into uniform »
Beth Quinn
This one is for you parents who think our fight in Iraq is a really swell idea.

As you may know, the Army is having trouble getting kids to join up. Recruitment is down on account of all the soldiers dying in the desert. Go figure.

And you know whose fault it is? YOURS.

They need kids. They need YOUR kid!

But YOUR kid is still hanging around the house. Going to college, working, standing in front of the fridge. Unwilling to make the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE for … well, whatever it is we're fighting for.

Be honest. You're not doing your part as a parent, either. You're in favor of the war in Iraq but want to send someone else's kid instead of yours, right? What kind of American parent are you, anyway?

It's time to get that kid out of the house and into a uniform! And I'm here to tell you how. It's easy. The government has already done most of the work for you.

You might have noticed that recruiters have been calling your kid lately. That's because your school district gave them his name and number.

The school had to. Bush's No Child Left Behind Act says schools must give up every kid or they lose federal funding. Money talks, nobody walks.

Plus, the military is tracking your kid in a mega-database of its own. The Pentagon hired an outside marketing firm – really! – to create JAMR.

That stands for the Joint Advertising and Market Research Recruiting Database.

Cool name, Pentagon! But in the interest of truth in advertising, why not just call it Cannon Fodder?

Abdullah at the Ranch:
A Handy Checklist »
Think Progress

Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah visited President Bush’s Texas Ranch yesterday. Here’s what President Bush did – and did not – do during the visit:

✔ Strolled through wildflowers

✘ Stood up for pro-democracy Saudi activists
Despite his lofty rhetoric, President Bush uttered not one word about the three Saudi dissidents whom Prince Abdullah has imprisoned for circulating a petition calling for democratic reform in Saudi Arabia. Human Rights Watch urged Bush to call for their release last week.

✔ Called for democratic reform in countries that aren’t Saudi Arabia
The joint statement by President Bush and Prince Abdullah expressed “support for the efforts of the Palestinian Authority to bring democracy, peace, and prosperity to all Palestinians” and called for “free and fair elections unburdened by foreign interference or intimidation” in Lebanon.

more checklist items

Dear War Supporter:
Since You Asked ...
An oft-repeated question finally answered »
R. J. Eskow / Night Light

"I have to infer from that (statement) that you would be happier if Saddam Hussein were still in power."
- Paul Wolfowitz

... Let's say I get disturbed by a spider crawling up the garage wall. I slam the car into it at 50 miles an hour, destroying the car and causing a few thousand dollars in damage to the garage. When my wife objects, I say:

"I have to infer from that statement that you would be happier if that spider were still crawling up the wall." No, schmuck, she says, I'd be happier if we still had a car and didn't have to fork out ten thousand dollars to fix the garage.